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- posted: November 15 @ 7:38pm
Spoony B
is Growing and Showing™
- Location:
-
Canada
The often mocked but typically superior neighbors to the North. They are North America's hat!
- Link:
- www.facebook.com/rapmaster9billion
- Age:
- 60
- Currently: →
- is committed to updating this thing now that whiskerino grabs the feed.
- About:
- My Mother was Lady Penelope of Yorkfordshire. My father: Sir Percival Von Helkyte II of Muellersburg. They both were killed by pirates aboard the HMS Signet only moments after my birth. As the only surviving passenger, and being but a newborn, I received the mercy of the Pirate Captain Gustaff Balthazar, who I would later call “Father”. I grew up aboard the pirate frigate Benjamina, docking now and then on a hidden island in the West Indes. I tied my first clove hitch at age Two, and felled my first boar at Three. By Seven I was a deft hand at fencing, archery, fisticuffs, fishing, hunting, and sailing. I soon became too precocious for Balthazar to handle. Fearing me and my sway over his crew he dropped me on the hidden isle to be raised by the native women. Having had my masculinity harshly instilled by pirates in my early years, the women of the island taught me weaving, cooking, arts and music. It was a carefree time. I grew strong on coconut milk and fried snapper. My closest friend was a tiger named Jake who I found orphaned in a bush fire and raised from a cub. The salvation I gave him would be repaid at age Fourteen when a rampaging troop of Gorillas invaded our village. Jake pounced on a Gorilla as it held me in its crushing grip. The gorilla threw Jake from a cliff, but the distraction allowed me time to fetch my longbow and avenge his death.
A decade after my abandonment Balthazar returned to the isle and was not ashore a full minute before I cut his throat. I commandeered his ship and took control of an abiding and loyal crew. We first sailed to the Pacific where I changed the ship’s name to Jake II and - through treachery and cunning- quickly overtook the territory of Pirate Bands and Imperial Forces alike. By age Twenty I had amassed enough wealth to retire from piracy. I broke land at Hsinchu, Taiwan and left my ship to my first mate Klaus, where it still sails, rechristened Jake Forever.
Making my way across Asia I profited more so. Learning local tongues as I traveled, I became well known in the opium trade in China, and the silk trade in India. Arriving in the horn of Africa I saw poverty and drought as never before and I settled there, charitably giving of my experiences and lessons from the wonderful women of my youth. I met a fiercely beautiful woman named Elspeth, a Scot, in Africa on Christian mission work. Our love was so immediate and powerful that she abandoned her God and work to live with me in a hut with a local tribe where she gave me a beautiful daughter who we named Charlotte. On the day of her birth the skies burst forth a rain storm greater than any seen in that region for a decade. The drought at an end, the locals dubbed Charlotte Queen of the Rains and a Princess of Africa.
Shortly after our child’s birth Elspeth’s heart and mind returned to God and she and I quarreled much about Charlotte’s upbringing and faith. Elspeth was particularly troubled with the folk-religion of the local people and Charlotte’s increasing role in it. Furthering my troubles was an international incident that saw a certain Middle-Eastern dictator become the centre of undesired attention. My close financial and social ties to this dictator made my presence in the region very troublesome for me and my family. At great personal cost I disassociated myself and my finances from the region and its key players, and attempted to disappear into normalized Western Society.
I traveled to Canada with Charlotte and Elspeth, but all these strains eroded what remained of Elspeth’s love for me and she left with my daughter to Scotland for the love and care of her God and family.
I have now been in Toronto for Seven years and am living- to the best of my ability- the normal life of a man my age: working, living, loving, with modesty and simplicity. - Favorites:
- View Spoony B's Favorites
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